Of Childlike Desperation and Dogs
by LSMunch
Summary: “I retired because I didn't want it to be awkward between us, and I didn't want to make you feel like you had to leave. So I left.” Olivia visits a retired John, and gets more than she bargained for.


Disclaimer: Okay, so Gunner and Wrigley belong to me, but sadly, neither Munch nor Olivia belong to me.

A/N: The italicized text is German. I did some research on what commands police dogs respond to and discovered that some police dogs in America are actually from Europe. They know basic commands in their native language (ie: German) and so it is easier for the trainer to learn a few German words/phrases than for the dog to learn the commands in English.

Platz- down

Sitz- sit

Bleib- stay

Also, somewhere towards the end, John says, "Front, Wrigley." 'Front' is another way of saying 'come' or 'heel'.

* * *

"_Platz_! Down, boys!" He grabbed both dogs by their collars and half yelled, "Who is it?"

"Olivia," the voice came back.

"Hold on." He wrestled the dogs back. "_Sitz_," he pointed his index finger at the floor and they sat, looking anxiously at the door. "Stay. _Bleib_." Turning back to the door, he opened it, "Sorry about that. They think everyone's here to see them." Reaching out his arms, he pulled her into an embrace. "How're you doin'?"

She smiled. "Good. Since when do you have dogs?" she asked, walking towards them. Both were wagging their tails so vigorously that their whole bodies were shaking and she had to laugh.

"A while now." Her laughter made him smile.

"What are their names?"

"Wrigley and Gunner." He watched as she pet them. "So, what brings you to my pathetic excuse of a living space?"

Straightening and turning to face him, "I had the day off."

"And you decided to spend it with yours truly? I feel honored." He held out his arm. "Come, I'll get you something to drink."

* * *

"Homicide, huh? How's it going?"

She shrugged. Both of her hands were wrapped around the coffee mug. "It's all right. Never really thought I'd wind up there though."

"Not even you could have stayed in Special Victims for too long, Liv. Homicide isn't that bad."

"It's too cold."

He wanted to reach his hand out and cover hers simply because she looked like she needed it. That and perhaps he just wanted to feel her warmth. But his hand remained still. And his mouth remained closed, because to be honest, he didn't know what to say. For her, it was too cold. It did require the compassion she was so well known for on occasion, but that wasn't enough for her. It never would be.

"Why'd you retire?"

It was so sudden that he forgot himself and responded with "Why'd you leave me?"

Her head jerked up and their eyes met and he regretted it in the instant he saw the hurt.

"I didn't... Fuck. Liv, I didn't mean... I didn't expect that. I'm sorry."

"No, no, you're right." Wrigley, sitting at her side, nudged her elbow and she smiled sadly as she stroked the dog's head. "I should go." He followed her with his eyes as she stood, taking her coat off the back of her chair and walking out while putting it on.

"Olivia... wait." Out of his chair and holding on to the door frame, looking at her opening the door.

"I made a mistake in coming."

Propelled forward by an unseen force, he caught her sleeve in his hand. "No, I made a mistake in letting you leave."

Her eyes, having been trained on the floor, rose to study his face, searching for something. Perhaps the truth. "John... I really should go."

"No." He fumbled for words for a moment and then, "I retired because I didn't want it to be awkward between us, and I didn't want to make you feel like you had to leave. So I left." Voice softer. "It worked, too, up until now." Eyes moved up from her mouth to her eyes. "Please, stay."

"I can't. I... I can't."

A step closer meant his hand slipped down to grasp hers. "I'm an ass. Does that help?"

"John, please..."

Another step meant his head dipped down and hers turned to the side, his lips falling on her cheek. His warm breath caressing her face as he whispered, "Liv, you left because I didn't do it right, again. Give me a second chance."

"I did, John. Remember?"

He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled. "Please. Third time's the charm."

"Third time is two times too many." She stepped back. His hand slipped out of her hand and fell to his side. The door was shut before his eyes opened.

He threw the door open and saw her waiting for the elevator. He jogged over as she stepped inside. He stuck his arm out and stopped the doors from closing. "I'm not letting you leave. I screwed up twice, I know I did, but I don't want to lose you again. Can't you..." He ran out of words.

"John, people move on, all right? They move on." Now she was angry.

"Then why'd you come here today? Was it to make yourself feel good? Was it to show yourself that you've moved on more than I have? Well, you haven't. You came here, not because you moved on, but because you're as stuck as I am." A pause in which he heard the jingle of a dog collar as Gunner stood behind him. "How many dates have you gone on since we broke up? Hmm?"

The side of her lip was between her teeth and her brow was furrowed. "I don't know," she said quietly.

He stepped inside the elevator. "I love you. I haven't stopped loving you." The doors closed behind him and they started going down.

"It was two and a half years ago."

"So?"

"People... people move on. I can't just... drop everything. I..."

Another step closer and he reached his hand out to take hers again. "I'm not giving up."

There was a lurch and a ding, but he made no move to let her out. A cough came from behind him and a slightly annoyed, "Excuse me, sir."

"Take the stairs." He pushed the button.

"I live on the seventh floor."

"It's good exercise."

"But I have-" The doors closed and John didn't get to hear what ailment the man suffered.

Silence prevailed for a moment and then she spoke. "John, I can't just drop everything. Two years is a long time. Things happen and you move on. It's different now."

"How is it different?"

Her hand slipped from his for the second time and she walked to the far corner, which was only a couple of feet away. She ran her hand through her hair. "Before... that was... it was..."

"What was it?"

"It wasn't anything, all right! God, John..." She said his name like one might say a curse, hard and fast, biting.

He stared at her.

"Nothing. It was nothing."

More staring. A quiet, "You don't mean that."

"Yes, John, yes I do. Why in the hell are you doing this to me anyway? Huh? I wasn't anything special. It was just... it was nothing! I came here because I haven't talked to you for ages. Just that holiday card you sent with a drunk Santa on the front... And I come here, just to catch up, old times sake and you throw this shit at me and you just expect me to fall into your arms and that's it, happily ever after. It doesn't work like that."

"I never said that." Again, quiet.

"You didn't have to. You're like a child when it comes to this." The elevator dinged again and this time it was Olivia who jabbed the button, partially because John was still in the way and partially because she didn't want to walk down ten floors. "It can't always be like the movies, like fairy tales. It just can't, and for us, it never will be. We ended two and a half years ago in the rain. Remember?"

Despite himself, he was getting angry in return. "You think I don't know that it isn't always like the movies? Did you miss the day I let everyone know I was divorced four times? We fought like cats and dogs half the time and now you're saying that I think it always turns out like the movies. And you know what, I do remember two and a half years ago in the rain. I remember that you left me and you know what else I remember? You cried. And I wanted to hold you so bad because I didn't care that you had just shut the door in my face. I wanted to hold you because I knew you didn't mean it. That was the stupid part of it, Liv. That you ever left at all."

She stared at him.

"I didn't care that you had just shut the door in my face. I still cared."

More staring. A quiet, "I didn't cry."

"Yes, Liv, yes you did. You cried and I just... I wanted to hold you and tell you it was going to be all right. I wanted to hold you and make it all go away, even if it meant that I would have to go away, if you had really meant it." Another dinged intrusion and John's hand flew out, the side of his fist hitting a few buttons and the doors slid shut again, leaving behind the same man as before, whose hand was in the air and his mouth open. "If you really meant it, I would have let it alone. But you didn't. You never did."

Her eyes were stinging and she was angry at herself now, angry for doing this whole thing, for ever coming over in the first place. "I did mean it."

"Then why are you crying now? Because you meant it? Because you believe with such conviction that you meant it that all you can do is cry? Is that why you cried two and a half years ago in the rain? Because you believed with such conviction that you meant it that all you could do was cry?"

"I meant it then and I mean it now."

"Bull shit." The elevator lurched and dinged, as if trying to bleep out what he had said, only a minute too late. They were back on his floor, he knew, because he heard the jingle of dog tags as Wrigley and Gunner started wagging their tails at the sight of John returning. He looked at Olivia, standing in the corner, trying not to cry and then he turned and walked off the elevator. Gunner followed him, but Wrigley remained looking at the woman in the elevator until John whistled and called, "Front, Wrigley!" Dog and woman shared one last look and then the dog turned to trot after John.

* * *

Returning to the first floor for a third time, the open doors revealed a very irritated middle aged man who looked ready to punch someone. He got inside, ready to yell at the woman standing in the corner, but when he realized she was crying, he pressed the button for the seventh floor and stood quietly in the other corner, eyes focused on the bottom of the door. Angry words mingled with soothing words caught in his throat and by the time they reached his floor, the only words left were "I'm sorry" which were mumbled in the noncommittal way of strangers.

The doors closed and the woman fought the urge to slide to the floor and give in completely to the tears. The elevator started going down again, to which floor she wasn't sure as she hadn't pressed any buttons. A young woman with small child in tow got on, the former of which took one look at the woman in the corner and politely guided her child to the other side, so that inappropriate yet entirely innocent questions would not be asked. They managed to make it halfway out the door upon reaching the ground floor when the little boy said loudly, "Why was that lady crying, Mommy?" The mother shushed the child and with a hand on his back led him away as the doors closed.

The elevator remained on the first floor for a good five minutes, the doors closed, the woman inside trying desperately to end the tears that squeezed out from tightly closed eyes. The sudden upward lurch made her start until she realized that she was on her way to meeting another stranger, which caused her to try even harder to stop crying. When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, it was the very man who had made her cry who came on. He didn't say anything, but walked directly to her and wrapped his long arms around her and buried his face in her hair. The doors closed on them, but the elevator remained still.

After a moment, John pulled back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. It's just..." His voice caught in his throat, but he pushed on in a whisper, "I miss you."

His hands were resting on her hips. She opened her mouth but no words came out and she raised her hand. It was shaking a bit as she let it come to rest on his chest. Silent tears were still falling as she whispered hoarsely, "But you were right."

All words that he had decided to say while pacing in his apartment suddenly vanished.

"I... I didn't mean it. I never did. And I cried..." Her voice caught in her throat and for a moment she just stood with her mouth open before she continued. "I cried because I didn't mean it. I couldn't make myself believe that I meant it..." She suddenly clenched his shirt in her fist. "I broke your heart, didn't I?"

He covered her hand with his, feeling her warmth, knowing she needed it. "I think... if you had broken my heart, I wouldn't be able to forgive you right now. If you had broken my heart... I don't think that I would have held on so tightly." He smiled a bit and he though of something. "Two and a half years ago in the rain... now reunited in the world's longest elevator ride."

A half sob, half laugh escaped her as she took the step that allowed him to wrap her arms around her again. A lurch upwards announced that they would soon be intruded upon, but neither moved and when the elevator doors opened, they revealed a middle aged man with an (unknown) ailment who broke into a smile when he saw who the elevator held. He reached inside, pressed the button for the third floor and waved as the doors shut on the couple.


End file.
